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I’m not too sure how this is going to work.  As my husband snoozes, I’m writing this post on my iPhone.  Voilà.  No “clackity-clack” noise to keep him awake.

Only it’s dark.  And my screen is bright.  So my eyes hurt.  And I’m a little creeped out by the silence.

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And we interrupt this post to tell you that it is now 24 hours after I started writing that last line and here I am, still writing.  Because last night just as I was typing that the silence creeps me out and was gonna follow with an exceptionally witty joke about my dog snoring, my WordPress app crashed and wouldn’t let me back in.  It was a 24 hour iPhone app disaster.  Don’t think I’m not writing one of those “app reviews” for this disgraceful excuse for an iPhone app.  iDemand a refund.  And free health care.

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Anyway.

So tonight I’m giving this WordPress app another chance.  To that end, I’m providing all 3 of you, my readers, with all sorts of seasoned advice from my entire 4 weeks as a married woman.

For example:

If you are an engaged girl worried that your soon-to-husband won’t let your 55 pound dog sleep in the bed, don’t worry.  You may luck out by discovering that your husband is a heavy sleeper and can’t feel the dog jump on the bed at 1am and curl up for the rest of the night behind his knees.  I’m just sayin.  Sometimes these things work themselves out.

An engaged woman should also be aware that she’ll be sleeping with another ENTIRE PERSON in her bed.  They won’t walk you through this in pre-marital counseling, trust me.  Lord knows they’ll walk you painstakingly through every OTHER thing related to the marriage bed, just not the fact that you won’t be able to sleep in it.

Alternatives include sleeping on the couch, crying because you’re exhausted or just holding your husband’s brand new laptop for ransom until he buys you a California king bed.  Not that I’ve done any of these things.

And perhaps you and your husband might have a problem finding a church to attend.  Don’t worry about it.  Just wait for your husband to pick up a brochure listing every.single.church.in.the.city, and watch his left-brained, organized self take a blue marker and cross off all the ones that are “wrong” until you only have a few left to try out.  This is a fun game because it requires your husband to read aloud the names of 5,478 churches and for you to then annoy him by choosing the ones with the longest names, like Our Lady of the First Baptist Covenant of Freedom and Evangelical Universalist Community of Love, Peace and Teddy Bears.  It doesn’t actually help you find a church but whatever.

Also, if you plan on getting married, plan on loving your husband more every day.  It just happens.  In moments when he walks the dog outside in the freezing cold for the hundredth time without complaining. Or when he prays with you every night before bed.  Or when he tells you that dinner was amazing even though you only made him macaroni and cheese with veggies because you were tired from working all day.  Or when you get irritated over something dumb and he laughs it off because he never takes offense easily–and then gives you a big hug.

That’s all for now from the front lines of a 4-week-old marriage.